The Asshole Test

An addendum to the trans men thing...

Small correction to my last post about allowing trans men into men’s groups.

It’s not true I’d let all trans men into my groups. In truth, I’ve only met a few of them, and from what I hear, there’s loads. So, it stands to reason that some of them will be assholes.

In which case – you’re not coming in.

Is that transphobic? I don’t think so. Is it asshole-phobic? Perhaps, in which case I stand guilty.

I tried it once. Twenty-five years ago, I had already established two successful men’s groups, carefully curated from people I liked. But I was worried that I was being too exclusive, so rather than thoughtfully selecting participants based on their personalities, what they might bring, and what they might take, I decided to launch a new group with the first eight men who applied, regardless of whether I warmed to them or not.

There’s a clinical term for what happened next.

Clusterfuck.

They hated each other. Openly. The tension was extreme, the hostility apparent. To my relief, five dropped out after the first day. I went to my supervisor.

It didn’t work. I need to close the group, there’s only three left, they hate each other and they’re all assholes.

You can’t, he said. You made a commitment. You have to give it three months.

That was a long three months. Three months I’ll never get back.

But it taught me something really important as a therapist.

Be choosy. We are not right for everyone.

I really do believe I’m the greatest living therapist on the planet.

For about sixty people.

The other eight billion?

Meh.

I have a system. Probably shouldn’t tell you about it, but that never stopped me.

When I get a new client, I always tell them to meet me at the lift. The corridor from there to my front door is about a hundred metres long. Which means, by the time we get to my door, I usually know if we’re going to work together or not. I remember being told when I was training – you can tell everything about your client by the way they come in the room. It’s stood the test of time.

I run it on everyone who walks that corridor, and all I’m looking for is – could I fall in love with you? Because that has to be at the heart of the therapeutic exchange. Can I really spend hours, and probably years, in an intimate relationship with you, being really invested in all that you are?

What’s that if it’s not love?

I used to think it was my responsibility to accept everyone who approached me. But now I know that if I accept a client I don’t vibe with, that’s unethical. I’m taking their money whilst knowing I’m not the right therapist for the job, and I’m going to have to feign interest.

And that’s not therapy. That’s me faking it for money.

And there’s an older profession for that.