Rant in D Minor

Should Trans Men be Allowed in Men's Groups? And why is this even a question?

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“Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.”

Hassan-i Sabbah

I’ve been running men’s groups for 31 years.

I run mixed groups as well.

Fact is, I don’t give a fuck about gender. Don’t think about it, don’t talk about it, don’t really care about it. Not even sure I believe in much of it. Not in the way my dad taught me anyway.

Reason I joined a men’s group way, way back was ‘cos I didn’t like men. And I had a penis. So, I figured I had some shit to work out. I guess it worked. I really like men now.

I still don’t really care about gender though. Or the men’s movement. Whatever that is. But then again - is it mens’ movement? Where does the apostrophe belong? And where do I belong, as a dyslexic man?

The men’s mens’ movement. About as cohesive as haemorrhoids.

“But Jerry. That analogy makes no sense.”

Precisely my point.

I certainly don’t care about masculinity, reclaiming ‘what has been lost’, or harnessing my warrior energy.

To be honest, I didn’t really think I cared about much at all (apart from everything I rant about). I probably consider myself an unprincipled, amoral person who lives in a fairly well curated bubble.

So, I was a bit shocked to discover… I’m not.

Because I heard recently that the question of whether trans men should be admitted to men’s groups was…

An actual question.

And I found myself reacting. With a lot of feeling.

I didn’t know I cared. Not that I don’t care – doesn’t bother me who or what you are, if you identify as a man it’s all cool and the gang with me, brother. I’ve said for a long time – only person on the planet not allowed to join one of my men’s groups is me (I did try once, complete shit show, save that for a different post).

But if you say you are a man, you’re in. I don’t care what bits you were born with.

So, the fact it’s a debate? Ooookay… I think we need to talk.

About 12 years ago I invited a man into one of my long running groups. I knew he had transitioned, but… I dunno - maybe I should have thought about it?

But I didn’t.

It just didn’t cross my mind. I just… liked him. And thought he’d bring something to the group. Which is generally the basis of my clinical assessment procedure.

I didn’t think to mention it to the existing members of the group. It really didn’t cross my mind – that’s his business. And so, he joined, and I can’t remember but at some point he mentioned he was trans and that was pretty much that. There was no shock, no uproar, no gnashing of teeth.

Of course, he was annoying at times. Frustrating, irritating, touching, loving, tender.

LIKE ALL THE OTHER FUCKING MEN IN THE GROUP.

Thing I hadn’t expected, hadn’t foreseen, was that his being part of a group of men who meet for three hours biweekly?

Has been part of his transition.

Because when he joined he’d already lived many decades in a woman’s body, and as such had experienced all of the prejudices and repressions that are mapped onto women in our society. For example, unlike the rest of us, he could cry. But he wasn’t allowed to be angry.

Now he can do both.

And there’s another part I didn’t expect - it ran the other way too. A man who’s lived on both sides of how men treat women, and how men treat each other, sees our programming from the outside – and he showed it to us. He didn’t just get something from the room. He taught it. We’re better men for him being in there.

Now, I know the clever objection. Men’s work is about the boyhood wound – being raised a boy, shamed out of feeling, handed the script. He didn’t have that, so what’s he doing here?

But he’s not immune. He spent fifty years pressed up against the gap between how the world read him and who he actually was. That split – between the man you are and the man you’re allowed to be?

IS THE WOUND.

He didn’t dodge it. He lived in it longer than anyone in the circle.

So no, I don’t just think we should allow trans men in men’s groups. I think they should be actively encouraged and welcomed.

But I know for some people this is a scary prospect. Christ – open the floodgates and they’ll let the blacks and the queers in next.

We’ve heard all that shit before. Gay men – not real men. Black men – not real men. Same word doing the same work every time - real, standing at the door deciding who’s allowed into the real man gang. It was bigotry then. It’s bigotry now.

Same – fucking – shit.

I didn’t consider for one second if I was right letting him in. I just liked him, and he belonged, and if twelve years of a room full of men not giving a shit whether he’s a real man isn’t enough to answer your ‘debate’, then it was never a debate.

It was a door.

And you were guarding it.